HEALING THROUGH FORGIVENESS
Today’s blog is about my journey into forgiving myself for aborting my baby in 1975 when I was 19. I will share that story of destruction and confusion at a later date. Today, I am compelled by love to share of healing.
The social media and news is filled with abortion news. People screaming it is murder and horrible, and it is. Others screaming its a woman’s right to healthcare, I can testify abortion is the worst thing for a woman’s health. I almost died physically from my abortion, it retarded my emotional growth and ruined relationships, and kept me from seeking God for fear of His wrath.
I’m active on Facebook and repost a lot of the abortion stuff and the Lord has been pressing me to share my testimony. I fear that many who read all the post condemning abortion may feel they are being condemned if they had an abortion and I want to say that is not so. As horrific as abortion is, in the eyes of the Lord, it is just another sin that the Blood of Jesus is able to forgive.
I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1987 and knew that ALL my sin was forgiven and for the first time in my life I lived unashamed of who I was. But, in the dark of night I wept for so many wasted things I had endured, participated in and instigated that only Jesus could fix. There was no “undo” button. I knew I was forgiven by Jesus; but grief, pain & regret still lived in my soul. Abuse comes in all forms and from many directions. Healing from abuse is a process, I call it “walking it out” , and my abortion was the greatest form of self abuse I ever committed.
In 1990, three years after my salvation, I was once again weeping over the pain and loss of my abortion. The regret was almost unbearable. I had two healthy boys by now but the longing for that aborted baby never left me. As I cried out to Jesus to help me, I was caught up in a vision. Now this was extraordinary in several respects because I was a Southern Baptist lady at this time and the power & work of Holy Spirit was not encouraged.
The Lord heard my cry and saw my heart & hunger and Holy Spirit gave me a vision. I saw myself walking in heaven and in the distance I could see Jesus dancing and laughing with a little girl. They were holding hands and twirling around and around and having a great time. It made me smile. As I drew closer they stopped and turned towards me.
The little girl was only around four years old I suppose and blond and had a smile that lit up her face.
She spoke. She said, “Moma, I forgive you. I’m okay, I’m happy here”
Jesus then spoke and said, “ And I forgive you. You must forgive yourself.”
The vision ended and I erupted in great convulsion of wailing tears. But they were tears of healing and forgiveness. My baby forgave me for murdering her. Jesus forgave me for murdering my baby. I needed to forgive myself. And that night, fifteen years after my abortion, I fully received forgiveness and healing .
I’m not trying to make excuses or casting the blame on someone else. I made the choice. As a Christian I now know that I was deceived by satan who hates all mankind and wants to destroy us. He is the thief who comes to kill, steal and destroy. It matters not to him if it is an actual death or just a life sent spinning out of control. I will always live with the pain of regret for my choice to abort my baby, but Jesus has removed my guilt and filled me with hope.
Someday, Someday, I will see my little girl and we shall dance & twirl and laugh together in Heaven as we worship around the throne of God.
My story does not end here. But I wanted to share this today in the hopes of bringing healing to some other brokenhearted person out there. If you have had an abortion, or are the father of an aborted child, or an accessory to someone’s abortion: I want you to know your baby is in heaven with Jesus, they forgive you and are waiting on you.